When William and I first started dating, we spent a lot of time at my place. Finally, it came time for an overnight in his house and I drove across town full of curiosity. He greeted me at the door with a big smile as he held tight to his rambunctious dog's collar. Stinky was a mere pup, overly exuberant, and shot his snout right for my crotch. Nice to meet you too.
Once inside, William led me on a tour of his house. Basic, white walls, exceptionally clean, big television, red couch...a guy's place. I noticed all the window blinds were shut tight. No light. It would take years for me to truly understand the depth of William's need to travel under the radar. Incrementally, it became clear to me.
His clothes fit two sizes too large and other than occasional gatherings with his high school friends, he didn't socialize. After attending a party or dinner with me, he'd question everything he said or did and then cringe if he believed he'd made a misstep.
I didn't know how to respond to these insecurities because I thought he was amazing. What I saw was a confident man willing to be alone. I saw a man sure of himself at work and a man who could make me laugh as I wandered the world, spilling self-doubt. It can take a long time to see the whole picture.
He'd spent the day of my first visit cleaning his house, but what was really impressive was when he started opening cabinets and cupboards. I was at the latter end of healing my hot wax burns, but William wanted to be certain I had all I needed. In the bathroom he showed me bandages, gauze and ointment for my injuries. In the kitchen he showed me my favorite snacks I'd mentioned in passing over our time working together. There were Pringles, bagels, saltines and ginger ale. In the fridge he had angel food cake, whipped cream and strawberries.
William listened. William took note. I saw, for the first time in my life, that love was an action more than it was a notion or a feeling or a squiggly rush up the arms.
On that anniversary night in Berlin, I recalled our fiery first date and looked at the regret etched across his face. I read his love note, threw my arms around him and hugged hard. It's a "doing" thing, this love business. Also, I was about to leave Berlin for another adventure, and I was already missing him.
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